July 22nd, 2015
When you are a mommy, the following could possibly happen to you, as it has me:
-People will leave presents in the toilet for you to marvel at/ inspect/ analyze.
-Those same people will wake you up from your sleep to look at it right now.
-You will ask your husband if it can wait until tomorrow.
-Just kidding. You will roll over in bed and tell them it can wait until tomorrow.
-Your marital bed will never be the same (for a decade) because people have scary dreams and want you to protect them at night.
-In the early years, you will get peed on.
-You may also get accidentally barfed on.
-You will be a walking bio-hazard of childhood diseases for the first five years straight, and then subject to the occasional elementary school epidemic that will take you hours and days to sanitize your entire family and house. Buy a sturdy dryer.
-Food will be shared with you that, once you put it in your mouth, you will find out has been dropped on the floor; or worse, in the yard; or the worst- licked by the dog first because aren't we all family and family shares?
-The walls will get drawn on. Count on it.
-Kid stuff will be strewn about the house all the time, even ten minutes after you tidy it all up. There are magical elves dedicated to this task. Congratulations to you if you have a maid. I don't.
-Your kitchen counter (as every other surface in the house) will have all kinds of toys on it such that one day you find yourself using the cutting board with a tiny My Little Pony that fell on it. And you're so tired you just keep cutting the food and avoiding the spot with the toy.
-Your cleaning standards drop. A lot.
-You will be so tired some days you wonder how you put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
-You will likely give up on a sugar-free household, even though you really thought when you were pregnant you would not be one of those moms. And now you are.
-Your child will absolutely notice the difference between your weekend makeup, your work makeup, and your date night makeup, and will give you guilt for going out without them.
-You think it will be nice to have a break from the routine but all you end up talking about at dinner is your lovely child.
-You will notice your hairbrush has hairs in it that aren't yours, including short dark hair that you realize is dog fur, and plastic purple hair that came from a My Little Pony.
-You have to tolerate people whining because they "aren't tired" and don't want to go to sleep, and you are wondering how on Earth anyone could think this when all you have wanted to do since you woke up is crawl back into bed.
-Their schedule is your schedule.
-You are officially a chauffeur.
-You get to wait around at endless activities and rehearsals for hours at times that are very inconvenient for working adults.
-Basically, your boss is well under five feet tall.
-Then someone puts their little arm around you at night and tells you they love you bigger than the Universe and that you're their favorite person in the world, and your heart is full and everything is worth it.
Did I miss anything? What's on your list?