Small Talk

The Coach of Nothing

September 12th, 2016

If you noticed, I capitalized Coach and Nothing in the headline. That's because it's a title I'm giving myself. It's my new job path.

Some people are Life Coaches. I'm going to be a Nothing Coach. People can pay me... for nothing!

There's a new-ish competition in South Korea that rewards doing nothing. The person who can space out the longest, wins.

I'm not sure what they win, but in a culture that values competitiveness, I'm sure bragging rights is just fine.

It started in 2014, and according to Mashable.com, participants "adhere to rules that disallowed phones, talking, checking your watches and dozing off." There's even a panel of judges watching to make sure you follow the rules.

I know this will go over big in America. First, I need to organize a contest for the US to raise awareness for this new sport. I will call it "Spacing Out: The Final Frontier- presented by Diane Ako, Coach of Nothing."

If nothing else, I've learned from my PR days to make sure to work my sponsorship into the official name. Ha! Now you have to say my business name every time you report about it!

My company mission statement: "Why be a hero when you can do zero?"

You can get people to do anything as long as you call it a contest. Think of the weird ones that already exist: The Beard and Moustache Contest, Worm Charming Championships, Baby Crying Challenges, Toe Wrestling, Bee Wearing, and Nailympia, "the Olympics of Nails," to name a few. I don't make this up.

The Korean rules sound reasonable. I'll borrow that, but I'm going to add a level of difficulty. The second phase will include distractions to tempt you, like snacks, drinks, or the Olympic Tongan flag bearer.

My coaching technique will borrow from my own life experiences. It will include making you babysit a room full of toddlers all by yourself for a week. You will have lost your mind and then you will need a long stretch of space to do the Thousand Mile Stare while you recover your energy.

You will be still sitting on the lawn staring into space when the organizers are taking down the event signs and the judges' table. Someone will go back out there the next morning and find you still sitting there.

In keeping with the contest theme, we will not give away a prize. You win... nothing!

So, who's with me? Team Ako! Here goes nothing!

Posted in Career | 3 Comments »

3 Responses to “The Coach of Nothing”

  1. M:

    You are so funny Diane!


  2. Sensible01:

    This is a lot of NONEsense. 🙂


  3. Diane Ako:

    Ha ha ha... punny, Dean.


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