Small Talk

President Olivia

September 19th, 2016

Olivia and her friend Kiryn were trying to talk about the Presidential election, which led to a discussion about what they would do if they ran the country. The following is their list of laws if they were POTUS:

  1. No school on Tuesday (the other days are fun)
  2. Free ice cream every day
  3. Driving allowed at age 13
  4. Bedtime can be 10 p.m. for nine year olds
  5. Free iPads for all kids and all people except old people (30 and up)
  6. Paint the White House pink
  7. Mom and Dad can stay in any room we want in the Pink House
  8. Homes for homeless people (aww, sweet)
  9. Friends come over/ sleep over whenever they want, and no adult supervision
  10. Cake for dinner every night
  11. Pets for everyone
  12. University is free, and the classes can't be too hard

These are my suggestions if I were POTUS:

  1. Nobody works weekends
  2. Outlaw traffic jams
  3. No using weedwhackers or leaf blowers during nap times
  4. Apple will come up with a voice silencer for whining children
  5. Paid maternity and paternity leave for one full year (this is a reality in Scandinavia. So advanced.)
  6. Mandatory daily naps
  7. Naked travelers, so we can get rid of those long TSA lines. Nothing to screen! (Brilliant: everyone will exercise to get in shape, and it will lower medical costs!)
  8. No more wars. World leaders will win decisions via bake offs

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We all sat down and drew our campaign posters. The girls said I have to choose an animal to represent our campaign, and bunny and dog were taken (doh! but what else is there now?!?!) and they wouldn't help me pick an animal because we're opponents, so I came up with panda all on my own. Then they said I had to draw it on my campaign poster; please don't laugh at my horrible job.

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We then drew straws to decide the order of speeches. Claus was told he would be the voting bloc. Hawaii should take a tip and instigate mandatory voting, so we wouldn't be embarrassed year after year with low voter turnout numbers.

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I pulled up my iTunes and we picked introductory music for ourselves as we walked up to the podium (a repurposed stool.) I was not only a Presidential nominee, I was the a/v technician.

If real campaigns were run like this, the media would have no scandal to dig into regarding campaign spending. We spent not one dollar on advertising, convention halls, decorations, staff, or even wardrobe. I think Olivia was wearing one of her cousin's hand-me-down shirts.

There was a little bit of concern from the other candidates that the voter might be biased because I'm the voter's wife, and "everyone knows the moms are the bosses. Is he going to choose you because he has to?" So I gave Claus a Presidential nominee pardon for this one exercise.

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The girls wrote campaign speeches but I winged it because I felt 20 years of newscasting prepared me for this moment. "No fair, you know how to do that!" came the howls of protest.

Hey, life isn't fair. This is politics, baby.

Our combined speeches took ten minutes. Everyone ran a clean campaign; no mud slinging. I was proud of us.

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The media would be so sad if this were real life. How would we go wall-to-wall with coverage for 12 hours? Who would buy election ads?

In the end, Claus would not pick. He decided it would be a draw. He pointed out this would be a great new way to govern, because we can share the responsibility.

The voter

The voter

When the girls are in school, I can be President, and when they're home and I'm tired, they can do it. They thought that was bogus, but I thought that was an interesting solution.

Then the co-Presidents got tired of this; the smaller ones moved on to Shopkins and the grown up one started cooking dinner. If you think about it, the real politicians could learn a lesson from the kids.

Keep it short, keep it tight, play fair, and then move on to something else productive.

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