Small Talk

Panty shopping is not for panties

October 4th, 2016

This is a story about shopping for underwear, but it's really about a father who can't let go of his little girl. I took Claus shopping for underwear for Olivia.

Our nine-year-old wears women's XS or Petite Small. She prefers to be a Big Girl so she wants me to buy that instead of from the girl's section.

We only figured this out when I delusionally bought myself size small, and after I laundered them, realized I gained weight and can't fit them. Very sad day.

When I looked at it on the bed in the pile of clothing, I noticed they looked to be the size of her undergarments, so I had her try them on, and they fit. She was very proud.

Back to today. So we shop in the women's section now, and I dragged Claus with me on errands. I have told him this, but his brain refuses to accept it because he headed for the children's department.

Reluctantly redirected to the ladies' area, he turned pale when he saw all the filigree and fantasy. It's funny how a husband would be excited about that, but a father becomes morose when realizing this is the future of his daughter's intimates wardrobe.

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I get her the conservative kind; the athletic styles with moisture-wicking material." Really, I wouldn't let her wear sexy anything, either.

But he didn't trust me. We browsed the racks looking for conservative panties and more often than not, came across lacy bits and skimpy pieces of material. He looked very distressed.

A couple of times I thought I saw something appropriate, but when I pulled it out, it had, like, a 2 millimeter patch of lace across the front. "NO!" he bellowed at the speed of light, and pushed it back, out of sight.

You should know this is a slow-moving, quiet man. He speaks slowly, he walks slowly, he thinks before he speaks, and then he speaks gently. He's not stupid, he's just mellow. Except for this.

To tease him, I found thongs and held that up, as if for serious consideration. I thought he was going to ask me for a divorce.

I knew this excursion wasn't going well after ten minutes. Luckily, I'm a fast, decisive shopper, so I got the minimum of what I needed and we left.

I could have stayed longer and hunted down a few more pairs for Olivia, but I think another quarter hour in there would have been a Widow Maker.

I'm really not sure what is going to happen when Daddy's Little Girl gets a boyfriend.

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