Archive for the ‘child’ Category

Candy corn corner

By
October 4th, 2016



The imagination of children never ceases to amaze me. One night while lying in bed with me just chatting - as is our nightly ritual - my daughter told me she loves to look at "the candy corn on the ceiling."

I have no idea what that means.

Then she pointed out that the door frame, yellow hallway, and white ceiling come together to form a little tri-colored triangle that looks like a candy corn. I have a very colorful house, if you're wondering.

Do you see the candy corn?

Do you see the candy corn?

Oh yeah! I see it!

How cool is that? I never would have noticed it if she didn't tell me.

"I like my candy corn. I like to think about it as I fall asleep. I dream about Candy Land and all my favorite candies that I can eat whenever I want," she explained.

My gosh, that is so cute.

And once again, I'm grateful for a child who constantly challenges and changes my perception of life.

Panty shopping is not for panties

By
October 4th, 2016



This is a story about shopping for underwear, but it's really about a father who can't let go of his little girl. I took Claus shopping for underwear for Olivia.

Our nine-year-old wears women's XS or Petite Small. She prefers to be a Big Girl so she wants me to buy that instead of from the girl's section.

We only figured this out when I delusionally bought myself size small, and after I laundered them, realized I gained weight and can't fit them. Very sad day.

When I looked at it on the bed in the pile of clothing, I noticed they looked to be the size of her undergarments, so I had her try them on, and they fit. She was very proud.

Back to today. So we shop in the women's section now, and I dragged Claus with me on errands. I have told him this, but his brain refuses to accept it because he headed for the children's department.

Reluctantly redirected to the ladies' area, he turned pale when he saw all the filigree and fantasy. It's funny how a husband would be excited about that, but a father becomes morose when realizing this is the future of his daughter's intimates wardrobe.

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I get her the conservative kind; the athletic styles with moisture-wicking material." Really, I wouldn't let her wear sexy anything, either.

But he didn't trust me. We browsed the racks looking for conservative panties and more often than not, came across lacy bits and skimpy pieces of material. He looked very distressed.

A couple of times I thought I saw something appropriate, but when I pulled it out, it had, like, a 2 millimeter patch of lace across the front. "NO!" he bellowed at the speed of light, and pushed it back, out of sight.

You should know this is a slow-moving, quiet man. He speaks slowly, he walks slowly, he thinks before he speaks, and then he speaks gently. He's not stupid, he's just mellow. Except for this.

To tease him, I found thongs and held that up, as if for serious consideration. I thought he was going to ask me for a divorce.

I knew this excursion wasn't going well after ten minutes. Luckily, I'm a fast, decisive shopper, so I got the minimum of what I needed and we left.

I could have stayed longer and hunted down a few more pairs for Olivia, but I think another quarter hour in there would have been a Widow Maker.

I'm really not sure what is going to happen when Daddy's Little Girl gets a boyfriend.

Refrigerator mystery

By
October 4th, 2016



The people I live with. OMG, if it wasn't so funny it would be maddening.

I cut up a watermelon and put it in the fridge in a plastic container. When I went to eat it the next day, there was NOTHING in there but one seed and some juice.

?!?!

This is worse than the person who leaves a teaspoon of juice in the carton and puts it back.

I was about to blame Olivia, but luckily I intercepted Claus first and told him what happened, chuckling.

"Who DOES that?" I huffed.

"Yeah!" he said brightly.

Hmm, that doesn't seem right. He should be shaking his head, too.

I peered at him hard. "You did that?"

"Yeah!" he chirped.

"WHAT?" I said.

His reasoning: there was another half melon to cut up, so it was OK to just put the empty bowl back in the fridge. I guess it was his hint to me to find it empty and get busy filling it up.

I thought I only had one kid in the house. Ugh.

Mr. & Mrs. Soda Bottle

By
October 4th, 2016



Slumber parties sure have changed since I was a kid. At Olivia's big sleepover, ( http://smalltalk.staradvertiserblogs.com/2016/10/10/girls-slumber-party/) I found out one of the reasons the girls were up at midnight was "to get married." To one liter soda bottles.

They were talking about boys, and two of the seven girls decided they just looooved their crushes so much, they wanted to marry them in a practice ceremony. I had some Pepsi bottles waiting around (to be turned into Mentos geysers the next day), so they grabbed two as mock grooms.

"What does marriage mean? What do you do when you're married?" I quizzed Olivia.

"I don't know. I don't care. I wasn't getting married," she shrugged nonchalantly. She was just a wedding guest.

I like soda. (Guilty pleasure.) I asked Claus if I could marry a soda bottle, too. Colas are soda-licious.

I now pronounce thee husband and wife.

I now pronounce thee husband and wife.

The Danes are so liberal! He said OK and that he wouldn't be jealous. So now we have an open-container  marriage.

If I see a soda I like, I just have to tell him first, so he doesn't have to find out from someone else or that it doesn't seem like I'm going behind his back. I've sampled a lot of brands and flavors in the past, so I basically know what's out there and what I do and don't like.

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I have exotic taste in sodas. When I was briefly living in Mexico, Jarritos was a fan favorite, so that's what I developed a taste for. I've been to about 20 countries, and I tried Mirinda in Spain and Lorina in France (such pretty bottles!) I once flirted with an Irish soda, Cavan Cola; I liked it, but it is no longer available. That's too bad.

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It's nice that if I get a hankering for a soft drink, I'm still allowed to indulge. I'm only going to act on this once in a while. I don't have a drinking problem.

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Wedding vows for Soda and Diane:

I, Diane Ako, take thee, Soda Bottle, to have in a chilled glass and to hold for the duration of the evening, to love and enjoy for a short while, until an empty bottle do us part.

I, Soda Bottle, take thee, Diane, and pledge to show my love for you in the form of an expanded waistline should you imbibe too much. Those whom Foodland has joined together, let only the City's blue cart recycling program put asunder.

Bride, you may now drink the groom.

Fourth graders create day spa business

By
October 4th, 2016



Olivia and six of her friends created an entrepreneurial venture - a day spa, which is appropriately named because it lasted for just one day. It happened during Olivia's recent slumber party. (  http://smalltalk.staradvertiserblogs.com/2016/10/10/girls-slumber-party/)

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I was in the pool, when the girls beckoned me into the hot tub. I had heard them having some kind of "staff meeting" and assigning duties to each person.

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"It's hot in the hot tub. I want to stay in the pool," I rejected.

"Auntie, will you please come in here? We need a customer," they cajoled.

*sigh* Fine. I was welcomed into their spa.

Hot tub

Hot tub

"This is our spa!" they proclaimed proudly, pointing out different areas. "That's the area where we keep special stuff, that's the storage place, this is the staff break room," Eli pointed out.

Then Tyree instructed me to select from a hand or a foot massage. I picked hand massage and was treated to light poking and prodding for 30 seconds.

There were no other treatments available, but I guess that kind of narrow menu offering allows for quick training. I'm sure they planned that for maximum efficiency.

Because I was a special customer for this grand opening, Olivia gave me a foot massage, too. She may have pioneered a new spa protocol, because instead of bringing the foot to the masseuse, she brought herself to me. Underwater. Since she was holding her breath and rubbing my feet underwater, this massage experience lasted 15 seconds.

I was impressed. "You guys are great! Do you make a lot of money?" I asked.

"Nah. We get paid in sand and leaves," Kiryan confessed, holding up a dead plumeria leaf that also doubled as an admission ticket.

"Now, can you go over to the pool and get a swimming lesson from Evie? She's bored," Tyree urged, practically pushing me out of the tub.

Kiryan reminded me that while in the pool, I could also lie on the raft and be treated to a nice ride around the water. I took them up on that.

Me, on the pool ride

Me, on the pool ride

Olivia added, "After that, you have to get a tennis lesson from Jaycie."

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"And make sure to buy a ticket from Meya at the cash register. She's got nothing to do," Eli added.

This is the second underutilized employee they spoke of. I suspect there may be a need for staff reduction or restructuring. They have a ways to go before they're ready for their IPO.

"What if I just want to float in the pool?" I pushed back.

"You can't. You're our only customer," they explained.

Daddy would not come in the water. He wanted to watch Netflix in the cabana.

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There may be some flaws in this business model. Still, it was sweet being their one and only customer. If anyone needs a nice 15 second foot massage and can pay up in dead leaves, I have a good contact for you.

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