By Diane Ako
Olivia had a family tree homework assignment, and part of it included interviewing a family member. Her calabash aunt was over, so she decided to interview Kalei.
Here is where differences start to show in our personalities. The question was, "What are a couple major events happened in your early life?"
I kept offering things that I know happened during Kalei's life: Reagan assassination attempt, Chernobyl meltdown, Berlin Wall crumble. Always a journalist, I guess.
Claus suggested, "What about a fishing trip your dad took you on that meant a lot? What about a family tradition you really love?" Sentimental.
Kalei's stream-of-conscious vetting of answers is comically adult-rated. "What about the time my parents disowned me when I was 14? Or when I was suspended from school for smoking in my uniform?"
"No. That's not really second-grade appropriate," I laughed.
"OK, then there was the time I went to Sea Life Park to pet a dolphin and was freaked out by it and have not liked fish ever since," she recalled.
While we were debating the child-friendliness of this answer, Olivia went ahead and wrote it down, and drew a photo of Kalei to go with it.
This is Kalei's version of events. I probably should have just made the effort to call my 85 year old Auntie Roz instead of asking my hilariously sarcastic thirty something gal pal:
I think we were in two different places because I recall it went down like this:
Liv had a school project to interview someone, so she interviewed me.
The first question was "When is your birth date?" so I replied "None of your business," to which Di said that was an inappropriate answer for a school project, so I gave it up.
The rest were weird questions like "What elementary school did you go to," "Where were you born and raised," "What were your hobbies when you were my age," "What were your chores when you were my age," "What could you buy with five cents when you were my age," "How much is it now," then the last question was "Tell me a story or something important that happened when you were little."
My first answer was, "I was attacked by a border collie so I'm still working out my issues with dogs." Di said it was not seven-year-old material, then my next answer was, "When I was in Japan I asked my grandma to get me a baby chicken; it bit my face and then died, so I'm scared of chickens." Again, Di said to mind my audience.
So then I said, "I moved out when I was 14 to live with my best friend because I grew up in an unhealthy environment." Di said definitely too deep for a second grader's project.
So my final, edited, and approved answer translated by Liv on paper is "Sea Life Park pet a dolphin now scared of them."
Note how I said "approved" answer, because this was not an interview. It was a collective storytelling of my life as edited by the peanut gallery of Diane and Claus. You call yourself a journalist?