Archive for the ‘pets’ Category

Isn't she a sweetie?

October 4th, 2016

My friend Carolyn loves her dog. Looooves her dog. It's her baby.



It's a three year old Maltese named Sweetie, and I find her affection for her dog cute and amusing. She sleeps with it every night so it gets a bath before it jumps into bed.

It's not uncommon for pet lovers to give their dog a birthday party, and that's what Sweetie got. Hers was catered, with favors and party games. Only humans attended because Sweetie doesn't like other dogs.

Before Carolyn took a vacation, she actually took great pains to make sure the dog's food was properly pre-made and portioned out, ready to pull out of the fridge and set on the floor. Or in the double-elevated, designer-made, stainless steel, Swarovski crystal-embedded feeding station.

Then, my lovely friend used her time to detail the feeding instructions and care schedule, with a handy checklist available, so that her relatives could actually validate Sweetie's daily care.

Photo is below. Please note that Sweetie needs to be prayed for, played with, and photographed.


I saw the now-old checklist on the refrigerator and just about died laughing that it was all completely ignored. She found two food packets in the fridge when she came home, so was her dog actually starving or did it get its meal supplemented with table scraps? Who knows what terrible things happen when Mom's away?

"And I only got one picture of my dog that whole time. ONE!" she added.

The nerve of these people. Probably goes without saying that the dog's soul was not prayed for during this week.


Carolyn's love for her dog isn't what strikes me as funniest about this situation. It's about the fact that she was never really a great pet person before.

Once, I had two mice that I had to give away after I developed an allergy. She said she would take them. That's very kind.


About a month later, I got a call. "I have sad news for you. My (former) dog ate Chairman Mao. And Tawny Satin got heat exhaustion after I forgot her cage outside after cleaning it. So, they've both moved on to the Big Cheese in the Sky," she told me.

Bless their little rodent souls. What a way to go.

Anyhow, look at Carolyn now. She's totally in love with this dog. She's like a helicopter mom. We don't necessarily even walk the dog because she carries it half the time.


It's so sweet to see Carolyn very loving and affectionate with her pet. So apparently, you CAN teach an old dog - sorry, mature dog - new tricks.

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Petisan politics: Debate 2016

October 4th, 2016

The fur flew at last night's first pet-sidental debate. Ocho Ako and Inca Hansen clashed like cats and dogs.


Debate night 2016!

The first question from the moderator was, "Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?!" This provided an awkward moment in which Ocho had to protest the almost-giving of a treat to Inca.

Pawsidential debate, live on tv.

Pawsidential debate, live on tv.

Highlights include:

Question: Do you support building a wall?

Ocho: I don't have a dog in this hunt. Walls are just irrelevant things for cats to scale.

Inca: The first rule of holes is that when you're in one, stop digging. I'm a dog and even I know this.

Question: How do you feel about raising the minimum wag?

Ocho: Raising the minimum wag from 7.25 to 15 wags per minute could put pressure on other lower-wagging tails which move slightly more than the existing minimum. This could cause stress in the compensation structure of many animals. In fact, any mandate from the government which increases the cost of earning our keep could result in a number of consequences, mostly negative. It could also lead to an increase in automation, depending on the specific pet. They're making robot companions in Japan, you know!

Inca: Minimum wag laws are not oriented towards pets of college professors, professional football players, or the white collar elite. Instead, they are meant to help the downtrodden - those who need the moral support provided by the additional wags. This is why I'm in favor of raising the minimum federal wag.

I am wagging my tail so hard right now.

I am wagging my tail so hard right now.

Question: What do you think about granting more family leave?

Ocho: Terrific. I wish they would just leave. After they feed me.


Multi-tasking my favorite hobbies: resting and eating.

Inca: My family is leaving? Where? To the beach? Are they taking me with them?

What you said:

Sweetie Tom, appropriately accessorized in America's colors.

Sweetie Tom, appropriately accessorized in America's colors.

Sweetie Tom: "I like Inca's position on the issues, and she's got broad and unifying appeal. I mean, I'm a white Maltese and she's a black Labrador. I think she resonates across all colors - black, white, brindle, you name it."


Felicia Cowser

Felicia Cowser

Felicia Cowser: "I'm disappointed nobody's brought up the issue of black cat discrimination in America. For centuries, my fellow felines have carried a stigma that we're witches' familiars and we bring bad luck. It's just not true, and it's time to address this issue once and for all. #blackcatsmatter."


Honi Hartenstein, a Chihuahua - a breed that originated in Mexico.

Honi Hartenstein, a Chihuahua - a breed that originated in Mexico.

Honi Hartenstein: "Regarding building an 'impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, border wall' around one's yard. Do these politicians really think the Mexicats will pay for that?"


Chairman Mao

Chairman Mao, the mouse.

Chairman Mao: "No matter if it is a white cat or a black cat; as long as it can catch mice, it is a good cat."


It's clear both candidates have presented issues that give the voters pawse.

One thing both of them agree on: if you support them with your vote, make sure your ballot is actually a snack you can give them.

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Petisan politics: Introducing the candidates, part 2

October 3rd, 2016

In our continuing series on little-known pet-litical candidates, we introduce Inca Hansen, a Repawblican. She is a black Labrador who lives in a quiet suburb and likes hoping she'll get a car ride or a beach date.


This 11 year old pedigreed purebred came from a breeder directly to her peoples' home, so she has never known want or hardship, unless you count the endless wanting for table scraps.

Despite her advanced age, she wants to reassure the pets of America that her heath is "just fine." A little hip dysplasia and arthritis, common for large breed dogs, but "nothing a little glucosamine and rest can't fix right up."

"Concerns about my health are just conspiracy theories floated by my detractors."

"Concerns about my health are just conspiracy theories floated by my detractors."

Her education includes obedience school, and her short agenda of tricks includes sitting, flipping a treat off her nose and into her mouth, and shaking hands- which will come in handy when glad-handing during the meet-and-greets. Inca has been advised by her handlers that groin-sniffing is not PC.

On the election trail already.

On the election trail already.

Her hobbies include swimming, jumping, barking at strangers, and chasing chickens.


She is ridiculously happy to meet new people, and her campaign issues include health care (against affordable vet care because she hates trips to the vet), treatment of LGBT people (people are people as long as they're nice to her), and child care (she loves children, especially her human.)


Her employment history includes home security, food tester, and personal trainer.

Volunteer work includes community barker, therapist, and companion. She's won the support of the USPS and all other home delivery services.


Inca's campaign slogan is "Happy! Happy! Happy! Oooh, bird!?!"

*Order of candidate bios determined by neutral coin toss.

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Petisan politics: introducing the candidates, part 1

September 30th, 2016

On the country's election radar, there's a couple of parties who have been completely overlooked by the mainstream media. I thought I should be the one to bring these worthy candidates to your attention.

I present to you today the Democatic challenger, Ocho Ako.*


This grey tabby comes from a hardscrabble background, living homeless on the streets of Kalihi through her early kittenhood, until discovered by KHNL employees who pressed upon Diane Ako to give her a home.

Ocho when a kitten.

Ocho when a kitten.

She learned to scrounge in the garbage for food and hunt small prey. Flexible and adaptable, she soon learned to live in a house, not tip over the garbage can for dinner, and enjoy Meow Mix instead of pigeon tartare.

So, you're NOT going to tartare this bird for me?

So, you're NOT going to tartare this bird for me?

Though she now lives in suburban splendor, she says she never forgot her roots, and can relate to animals of all backgrounds.

Her best friend is herself (she's a cat, duh?) and her hobbies include sleeping, practicing condescending stares, ornithology, and jumping into tall hiding spots out of reach of children.


Ocho's community service includes gracing the neighborhood with her feline beauty, sleep study volunteer, and entertaining grade school children annually for one of her people's Show and Tell at school.

Back Camera

Her employment history includes pest control and night watchman, and in her mind, regal queen of all surroundings.

Hard at work.

Hard at work.

She supports the National Sleep Foundation.

Ocho's campaign issues include the environment (everyone should lie in the sun every day), the economy (if everyone is at work, there is nobody to bother her), and immigration (no new cats in the 'hood.)


Ocho's campaign motto is "Vote for me because I'm one cool cat."

Monday, we bring you Part 2: Inca Hansen.

*Order of candidate bios determined by neutral coin toss.

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Miss Ocho goes to school

September 9th, 2016

Once again, the annual trotting out of the family cat occurred at Olivia's school for Sharing Day. I packed up the cat up and gave her a pep talk about how exciting this was going to be for her.


"I hate every single one of you."

She goes out once a year and therefore this little outing prevents her from qualifying as an official shut-in. Besides, this is how she earns her keep.

She is 13 so she really doesn't hunt birds or cockroaches anymore. In fact, the birds come into our garage to wait for her breakfast leftovers.

I think they're actually friends now. At the very least, they have come to a detente.

The understanding is they ignore each other. I don't appreciate this. I don't like birds in my garage.

It brings Olivia and her classmates much joy to have a kitty in class. It's OK as long as I come and go with the cat as soon as the show-and-tell is over. Cat can't hang out all day.


"Hands! Hands! So many hands!"

I put a pretty pearl necklace on Ocho for her big moment, and brought a bag to hold her in. We didn't let the cat out of the bag.

Olivia proudly stood up in the front of class and recited a few facts about her pet, and answered some questions. Claus was there too, and we were proud of her for speaking loudly and clearly and not being shy. It make us happy to see her so happy.

Afterwards, the children lined up to pet her. This went over quite well.

"Deep breaths. Deep breaths. This too shall pass."

"Deep breaths. Deep breaths. This too shall pass."

Ocho is a very good kitty and didn't struggle or complain. She didn't love it (you don't say!), but she tolerated it well.

Claus and I brought her home and took bets on where she'd run first: the yard for freedom, or the attic, her "safe place." He won.

It's the little things. I like that the cat is my main drama and gossip for the day. I like that the classroom constitutes a large part of my social life for this week.

The cat's happy too, now. She can go back to her normal pattern of eat, rest, repeat for the next 364 days. I hope that's enough recovery time for Ocho.

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